Between a Rock and a Hard Place
7th April 2019
I’m sharing my current deterioration with my RP condition and really reaching within to truly feel my feelings on how my residual vision is. I think its best described as being stuck between a rock and a hard place, I’m so much happier with no vision at all at night, what is becoming hard is the way with which the progression seems to be taking me.
I once met this fabulous old Italian guy many years ago whilst working in Italy. He had RP, he told me that with this disease you never see black, instead you see white. At the time I never really understood this, I always had this preconception that when I lost all my sight I would see black. Now I completely get it, as the vision if you can even call it that, I have left, seems to be going into an abyss of white, everything is so very very faded. Its kind of uncomfortable too, the white film is so glary. At night when all I see is black it is like a relief, I become content, fearless and completely relaxed. However this makes me feel negative towards the vision I am left with. I cannot become nocturnal and just live my life at night, I know I have to make peace with this latest situation.
My last blog was the audio blog about vulnerability, this really is a continuation of that. I am reaching deep within to find my inner wisdom, I know there will be a better, healthier, more positive way to get through this current decline other than wishing i could not see anything anymore. It is one thing to be at peace with full blindness, this I am proud to have found that acceptance, however it is another thing to wish you were completely blind all of the time. This is really only because of the inner trust and belief I have found in the dark. I have to find a way to cope with my sight loss during the day.
My lessons are for my greater good and ultimately show me the answers that lay within.